I find myself in the same place I’ve been a few times before (but with different players): washing you off in the shower. I rinse my hair really, really well (I shampooed it this morning- well, you did, but now it smells of your cigarette smoke), I grab the body sponge and some bath gel and scrub, scrub, scrub my arms, my torso, my legs, my feet. I rub my face with soap, then face scrub. I am baptized in the shower, where yesterday I was in the ocean thinking it was my get-clean moment for a long time to come. I was wrong.

Somehow I lost myself for 24 hours and thought things that were deal-breakers for me could, somehow, not be. I allowed the fantasy to take hold completely, though I kept my eyes wide open, also. I measured what they took in: literature, habits, environment, past. Words always suck me in, though~ and you are good with your words. When you responded with “the hierarchy” when I said “Maslow.” When you kissed me in public with no thought to whomever you might know standing around (and you know yourself some people- yes, you do). When you shampooed my hair.

I have returned to reality with a shot. Seven hours ’til I get a message- and then it’s a text, not a call, not an email (I prefer email, btw). I know, your child is there I guess (though a girlfriend of mine points out that one date- while long- does not mean you are not also talking to other women, that there have been no other women who had been with you recently who were watching for a call, an email, a text over the 24 hours we were together… how could you have known you would spend 24 hours with me when I came in from the ocean to your lovely offer of a hot shower?)…….

I’ll keep waiting. You have many qualities that make my heart leap and my mind joyful. You have a few habits I find downright disdainful. You seemed to care a great deal- I wish I had not mentioned the picture, or the smoking. You responded respectfully and- dare I say it?- with great thought and care to both. These are not my business. I would not ask anyone to change for me. I don’t know if I could- at this point, and almost ten years younger than you- change for anyone else.

I will keep waiting for the right man. And in the meantime, I’m glad we had our time.

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